Post by cbaproductions on Nov 1, 2006 14:12:31 GMT
Just readin my latest copy of total film - check out what was on the back page!
Brilliant - longer than their usual abridged scripts too, not sure why, it's quite difficult to mock this film. Anyway, they say no press is bad press right? Enjoy!
LOVE FOR THE WITNESS:
EXT: ROAD: DAY
A car is pulled in to the curb, its bonnet leaking smoke. Two occupants.
INT: CAR: DAY
RICH is in the driving seat, his girlfriend GAIL is the passenger, dressed for work.
RICH
Right...Um…okay….look…you’re
…. um…hang on…
GAIL
Forget it Rich, I’ll get a train.
RICH
Get out then!
Gail is ejected from the vehicle. She begins her walk to the eerily deserted station.
EXT: EERILY DESERTED STATION: DAY
Gail waits for the train, wary of THE SUSPICIOUS MAN who is already stood at the platform.
Nervous, she moves to sit inside the shelter instead.
CUT TO:
THE SUIT. PONYTAIL, A BRIEFCASE AND A RIDICULOUS DENIM SHIRT. Asides from that, he means business.
He approaches the suspicious man.
THE SUIT
It’s not easy hacking into security
Systems, otherwise I’d do it myself.
SUSPICIOUS MAN
Wow that was crap exposition, stood out
Like a sore thumb, and way to do business
Subtly by the way.
THE SUIT
It gets worse. I hate loose ends
So much I’m going to leave a dead
Body lying around a train station.
SUSPICIOUS MAN
Nooooooo!
HE IS KILLED. GAIL HAS SEEN IT ALL.
CUT TO:
EXT/INT: HOME: DAY
Gail drives Rich home after his hard day at work. She then makes him some supper while he chills out down at the beach.
This is all accompanied by the world’s most generic ‘sad montage’ music so we know how to feel.
CUT TO:
SOME AWFUL DIALOGUE. Gail arranges a dinner date with her friend RACHEL, all the while laughing and joking like your average murder witness.
INT: HOME: DAY
ANOTHER MONTAGE. Gail dressing for her night out.
AUDIENCE
What’s the point of this bit?
Quickly, Paul Dudbridge CUTS TO:
INT: RESTAURANT: NIGHT
RACHEL
Gail, meet my new boyfriend.
IT IS THE SUIT!
GAIL
Oh no! What are the odds of that?!
She runs in TERROR. Rachel goes after her whilst THE SUIT chews gum menacingly.
RACHEL
What’s wrong?!
GAIL
Your boyfriend is The Suit!
RACHEL
Oh no! What are the odds of that?!
THE SUIT startles them.
THE SUIT
I knew I should have at least
Changed my clothes. Get outside.
Now.
EXT: RESTAURANT: NIGHT
The Suit waits outside, the girls exit with their coats.
GAIL
Nuts! I knew we should have
Slipped out the back!
LUCKILY,
Rachel overpowers the vicious killer very easily.
They flee the scene in RICH’S BROKEN DOWN CAR.
EXT: RACHEL’S HOME: NIGHT
They pull up in the car.
GAIL
Okay. Here’s what we do. You go
Inside the house alone and I’ll
Leave, assuming that when I return
To pick you up you’ll be fine.
RACHEL
I hope my boyfriend doesn’t know where
I live then.
GAIL
What are the odds of that?
Relaxed, Rachel enters her home.
Gail SPEEDS away, concerned for her friend’s safety.
INT: RACHEL’S HOME: NIGHT
Rather than kill her with no messing about, THE SUIT’S TWO HENCHMEN stalk Rachel unnecessarily for a while, as she packs to go.
CUT TO:
ONE OF THEM IS INSIDE!
(The other one is too in fact, but he ran up the stairs to ensure the defenceless and unarmed Rachel wouldn’t spot him).
THE HENCHMEN approaches her slowly, further delaying her death.
LUCKILY,
Rachel overpowers both with little to no effort. She runs for the door, forcing the men to reluctantly resort to their GUNS!
BANG! They shoot her.
THE CAMERA DOES A 360 OVER RACHEL’S CORPSE. SAME AS WITH THE SUIT.
AUDIENCE
Last time we’ll see that shot then. It’s
Done it’s a job.
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Well…
EXT: BEACH: DAY
Rich comforts Gail and forms a plan.
RICH
We’ll go to a hotel.
GAIL
Yes, that makes sense.
CUT TO:
Rich has A GUN in his drawer! It is wrapped in cloth suggesting a shady past in the ARMY/POLICE/NAVY SEALS.
INT: HOTEL: NIGHT
Rich and Gail are asleep.
SUDDENLY, there is a knock at the door!
Rich answers, assuming whoever’s on the other side won’t shoot him.
No danger of that. It’s a kid of about 16 with dodgy hair.
Oh no, wait! He’s a police officer!
Rich lets him in.
CUT TO:
INT: LOBBY: NIGHT
THE CAST OF PULP FICTION waiting, whilst one of them listens in to Rich’s conversation with the copper.
He does so via the world’s most conspicuous bugging device, complete with comically large aerial.
He confirms both are in the room and they head for the elevators, careful not to draw attention in the crowded lobby.
THE SUIT is taking no chances; there are about 30 of them.
CUT TO:
INT: HOTEL ROOM: NIGHT
Rich, suspicious, phones the real police whilst the officer questions Gail.
AUDIENCE
Couldn’t the fake copper just kill
Them both now? Why does it take 30
Of them?
PAUL DUDBRIDGE:
Uh! No talking!
Meanwhile, Rich has clocked the copper’s real identity.
GAIL
Rich, he wants us to go down the station
And answer some more questions.
RICH
Oh right…. NOT TODAY!
He CRACKS the officer across the head with his pistol!
CUT TO:
MEANWHILE, the 30 strong team of goon’s mill about the corridors LOOKING COOL.
CUT TO:
RICH AND GAIL FLEE THE ROOM.
CUT TO:
The officer regains consciousness and joins the others.
OFFICER
They went that way!!
THE SUIT
Thanks, but I don’t like loose ends,
Remember?
HE SHOOTS HIM!
THE CHASE IS ON – The Suit is sure to leave the copper’s body in the middle of the corridor where no-one will find it.
INT: STAIRWELL: NIGHT
Rich and Gail are pursued down the stairs, but make it to freedom.
The 30 strong hit-team reaches the bottom floor.
HENCHMEN
They’re being followed sir!
THE SUIT
Good!
THE MUSIC CUTS ABRUPTLY.
Beat.
Beat.
THE SUIT
Right...Let’s go.
CUT TO:
THE SUSPENSION BRIDGE!!!
AUDIENCE
WOW! These production values!
EXT: BRIDGE: DAY
Rich and Gail are in their car. Gail is once again in the driver’s seat so Rich can relax.
RICH
Pull over! We’re better off
Fleeing on foot!
Gail pulls over. Rich leaps out.
RICH
Come on! Hurry up! Let’s go!
Move it! Get out! Run!
Terrified, Gail joins him and he yanks her toward the bridge.
The goons pursue.
THE SUIT
This is perfect! In the middle
Of the day, this bridge will leave
Me with even less witnesses to clean
Up than the deserted train station!
HENCHMEN
Especially as there’s so few of us!
They walk menacingly after Rich and Gail.
THE SUIT
Now run!
THEY RUN!
Rich and Gail FREEZE – More henchmen come at them from the other end!
THE SUIT
They’re trapped! Now let’s walk
Again to freak ‘em out.
THEY WALK!
Rich checks his gun’s ammo clip for the 50th time.
RICH
Yep, bullets are still there.
He puts it back in his jacket where it’ll be ready should he need to use it at some stage.
CUT TO:
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Damn it! What now?!
-- I’ve got it!
RICH’S FRIENDLY WORK COLLEAGUE DRIVES ONTO THE BRIDGE JUST IN TIME!
GAIL
Wait, who’s that?
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Give me a sec, just jumping back
To page 2.
Rich and Gail jump in his car and he drives them to safety.
THE SUIT
I knew we shouldn’t have
Walked.
AUDIENCE
What?! Now the rest of this thing is
Riding on the world’s largest coincidence?!
The above member of the audience now realises he is alone in the theatre.
AUDIENCE
Something best blow up in a bit.
CUT TO:
EXT: TRENCHARD STREET CAR PARK: DAY
Rich and Gail debate what they should do next.
RICH
How are you feeling?
GAIL
Brilliant.
RICH
Really? Ideally we need to separate
You see, thus giving way to another
Tense action scene.
GAIL
Well – I feel a bit ill actually.
RICH
Laters.
THEY SEPARATE.
INT: CAR PARK: DAY
Gail heads up the stairs to wait in their car.
GAIL
I wonder who drove it here from the
Bridge?
CUT TO:
3 PAGES LATER.
She continues to climb. By now Rich is almost back.
Gail spots a suspicious man on one of the levels. She passes him and continues on her way up.
HENCHMEN (into radio)
She’s on her way up.
THE SUIT
Why didn’t you shoot her?
HENCHMEN
Don’t be daft mate.
Rich sees the suspicious man.
HE RUNS AFTER GAIL.
CUT TO:
Gail reaches the top level.
The Suit and his men are in a car, THEY FLOOR IT!
They’re going to run her over!
Rich pushes her out of the way, waits, and then for no reason JUMPS ONTO THE CAR’S BONNET!
THE SUIT
Oi! You’ll dent it you twat!
THERE IS A SHOOT-OUT!
GAIL IS HIT!
THE SUIT
We’ve got her! Run!
HENCHMEN
What about the boyfriend?!
THE SUIT
Don’t be stupid – it took like 30 of us
To kill her! We don’t stand a chance!
He’s got a gun and everything!
They jump in their car and SPEED AWAY.
RICH CHASES. He is right behind them.
THE HENCHMEN
Slam it into reverse now!
THE SUIT
I’m in charge here!
CUT TO:
INT: HOSPITAL: DAY
Rich mourns Gail’s death, nursing his injuries.
THEN, WE SEE:
A HENCHMEN IS FOLLOWING HIM!
AUDIENCE
They changed their minds then?
CUT TO:
RICH IS PISSED! He leads the henchmen from the hospital…
EXT: WAREHOUSE: DAY
The 30 strong team is back.
They follow Rich to an abandoned warehouse.
THE SUIT
Let’s get him! He can’t take
On the 30 of us!
HENCHMEN
I just hope he doesn’t harbour
A secret military past…
SHOOT-OUT! RICH KILLS THEM ALL!
He and The Suit are the last men standing.
Rich shoots him in the leg!
THE SUIT
Go on then! Kill me!
Rich is about to, when he spots an UP-TURNED PETROL CAN!
THE SUIT
Oh no! Where’d that come from!?
RICH SHOOTS THE PETROL!
THEN, IN SLOW MOTION:
BANG! RICH DIVES FROM THE ENSUING FIREBALL!
HARRISON FORD:
Wait a minute –
THE FIRE DIES. RICH LOOKS UP:
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Bollocks! The slo-mo button is stuck!
CUT TO:
BLACK AND WHITE DREAM SEQUENCE.
The audience check their watches.
THE END.
Brilliant - longer than their usual abridged scripts too, not sure why, it's quite difficult to mock this film. Anyway, they say no press is bad press right? Enjoy!
LOVE FOR THE WITNESS:
EXT: ROAD: DAY
A car is pulled in to the curb, its bonnet leaking smoke. Two occupants.
INT: CAR: DAY
RICH is in the driving seat, his girlfriend GAIL is the passenger, dressed for work.
RICH
Right...Um…okay….look…you’re
…. um…hang on…
GAIL
Forget it Rich, I’ll get a train.
RICH
Get out then!
Gail is ejected from the vehicle. She begins her walk to the eerily deserted station.
EXT: EERILY DESERTED STATION: DAY
Gail waits for the train, wary of THE SUSPICIOUS MAN who is already stood at the platform.
Nervous, she moves to sit inside the shelter instead.
CUT TO:
THE SUIT. PONYTAIL, A BRIEFCASE AND A RIDICULOUS DENIM SHIRT. Asides from that, he means business.
He approaches the suspicious man.
THE SUIT
It’s not easy hacking into security
Systems, otherwise I’d do it myself.
SUSPICIOUS MAN
Wow that was crap exposition, stood out
Like a sore thumb, and way to do business
Subtly by the way.
THE SUIT
It gets worse. I hate loose ends
So much I’m going to leave a dead
Body lying around a train station.
SUSPICIOUS MAN
Nooooooo!
HE IS KILLED. GAIL HAS SEEN IT ALL.
CUT TO:
EXT/INT: HOME: DAY
Gail drives Rich home after his hard day at work. She then makes him some supper while he chills out down at the beach.
This is all accompanied by the world’s most generic ‘sad montage’ music so we know how to feel.
CUT TO:
SOME AWFUL DIALOGUE. Gail arranges a dinner date with her friend RACHEL, all the while laughing and joking like your average murder witness.
INT: HOME: DAY
ANOTHER MONTAGE. Gail dressing for her night out.
AUDIENCE
What’s the point of this bit?
Quickly, Paul Dudbridge CUTS TO:
INT: RESTAURANT: NIGHT
RACHEL
Gail, meet my new boyfriend.
IT IS THE SUIT!
GAIL
Oh no! What are the odds of that?!
She runs in TERROR. Rachel goes after her whilst THE SUIT chews gum menacingly.
RACHEL
What’s wrong?!
GAIL
Your boyfriend is The Suit!
RACHEL
Oh no! What are the odds of that?!
THE SUIT startles them.
THE SUIT
I knew I should have at least
Changed my clothes. Get outside.
Now.
EXT: RESTAURANT: NIGHT
The Suit waits outside, the girls exit with their coats.
GAIL
Nuts! I knew we should have
Slipped out the back!
LUCKILY,
Rachel overpowers the vicious killer very easily.
They flee the scene in RICH’S BROKEN DOWN CAR.
EXT: RACHEL’S HOME: NIGHT
They pull up in the car.
GAIL
Okay. Here’s what we do. You go
Inside the house alone and I’ll
Leave, assuming that when I return
To pick you up you’ll be fine.
RACHEL
I hope my boyfriend doesn’t know where
I live then.
GAIL
What are the odds of that?
Relaxed, Rachel enters her home.
Gail SPEEDS away, concerned for her friend’s safety.
INT: RACHEL’S HOME: NIGHT
Rather than kill her with no messing about, THE SUIT’S TWO HENCHMEN stalk Rachel unnecessarily for a while, as she packs to go.
CUT TO:
ONE OF THEM IS INSIDE!
(The other one is too in fact, but he ran up the stairs to ensure the defenceless and unarmed Rachel wouldn’t spot him).
THE HENCHMEN approaches her slowly, further delaying her death.
LUCKILY,
Rachel overpowers both with little to no effort. She runs for the door, forcing the men to reluctantly resort to their GUNS!
BANG! They shoot her.
THE CAMERA DOES A 360 OVER RACHEL’S CORPSE. SAME AS WITH THE SUIT.
AUDIENCE
Last time we’ll see that shot then. It’s
Done it’s a job.
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Well…
EXT: BEACH: DAY
Rich comforts Gail and forms a plan.
RICH
We’ll go to a hotel.
GAIL
Yes, that makes sense.
CUT TO:
Rich has A GUN in his drawer! It is wrapped in cloth suggesting a shady past in the ARMY/POLICE/NAVY SEALS.
INT: HOTEL: NIGHT
Rich and Gail are asleep.
SUDDENLY, there is a knock at the door!
Rich answers, assuming whoever’s on the other side won’t shoot him.
No danger of that. It’s a kid of about 16 with dodgy hair.
Oh no, wait! He’s a police officer!
Rich lets him in.
CUT TO:
INT: LOBBY: NIGHT
THE CAST OF PULP FICTION waiting, whilst one of them listens in to Rich’s conversation with the copper.
He does so via the world’s most conspicuous bugging device, complete with comically large aerial.
He confirms both are in the room and they head for the elevators, careful not to draw attention in the crowded lobby.
THE SUIT is taking no chances; there are about 30 of them.
CUT TO:
INT: HOTEL ROOM: NIGHT
Rich, suspicious, phones the real police whilst the officer questions Gail.
AUDIENCE
Couldn’t the fake copper just kill
Them both now? Why does it take 30
Of them?
PAUL DUDBRIDGE:
Uh! No talking!
Meanwhile, Rich has clocked the copper’s real identity.
GAIL
Rich, he wants us to go down the station
And answer some more questions.
RICH
Oh right…. NOT TODAY!
He CRACKS the officer across the head with his pistol!
CUT TO:
MEANWHILE, the 30 strong team of goon’s mill about the corridors LOOKING COOL.
CUT TO:
RICH AND GAIL FLEE THE ROOM.
CUT TO:
The officer regains consciousness and joins the others.
OFFICER
They went that way!!
THE SUIT
Thanks, but I don’t like loose ends,
Remember?
HE SHOOTS HIM!
THE CHASE IS ON – The Suit is sure to leave the copper’s body in the middle of the corridor where no-one will find it.
INT: STAIRWELL: NIGHT
Rich and Gail are pursued down the stairs, but make it to freedom.
The 30 strong hit-team reaches the bottom floor.
HENCHMEN
They’re being followed sir!
THE SUIT
Good!
THE MUSIC CUTS ABRUPTLY.
Beat.
Beat.
THE SUIT
Right...Let’s go.
CUT TO:
THE SUSPENSION BRIDGE!!!
AUDIENCE
WOW! These production values!
EXT: BRIDGE: DAY
Rich and Gail are in their car. Gail is once again in the driver’s seat so Rich can relax.
RICH
Pull over! We’re better off
Fleeing on foot!
Gail pulls over. Rich leaps out.
RICH
Come on! Hurry up! Let’s go!
Move it! Get out! Run!
Terrified, Gail joins him and he yanks her toward the bridge.
The goons pursue.
THE SUIT
This is perfect! In the middle
Of the day, this bridge will leave
Me with even less witnesses to clean
Up than the deserted train station!
HENCHMEN
Especially as there’s so few of us!
They walk menacingly after Rich and Gail.
THE SUIT
Now run!
THEY RUN!
Rich and Gail FREEZE – More henchmen come at them from the other end!
THE SUIT
They’re trapped! Now let’s walk
Again to freak ‘em out.
THEY WALK!
Rich checks his gun’s ammo clip for the 50th time.
RICH
Yep, bullets are still there.
He puts it back in his jacket where it’ll be ready should he need to use it at some stage.
CUT TO:
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Damn it! What now?!
-- I’ve got it!
RICH’S FRIENDLY WORK COLLEAGUE DRIVES ONTO THE BRIDGE JUST IN TIME!
GAIL
Wait, who’s that?
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Give me a sec, just jumping back
To page 2.
Rich and Gail jump in his car and he drives them to safety.
THE SUIT
I knew we shouldn’t have
Walked.
AUDIENCE
What?! Now the rest of this thing is
Riding on the world’s largest coincidence?!
The above member of the audience now realises he is alone in the theatre.
AUDIENCE
Something best blow up in a bit.
CUT TO:
EXT: TRENCHARD STREET CAR PARK: DAY
Rich and Gail debate what they should do next.
RICH
How are you feeling?
GAIL
Brilliant.
RICH
Really? Ideally we need to separate
You see, thus giving way to another
Tense action scene.
GAIL
Well – I feel a bit ill actually.
RICH
Laters.
THEY SEPARATE.
INT: CAR PARK: DAY
Gail heads up the stairs to wait in their car.
GAIL
I wonder who drove it here from the
Bridge?
CUT TO:
3 PAGES LATER.
She continues to climb. By now Rich is almost back.
Gail spots a suspicious man on one of the levels. She passes him and continues on her way up.
HENCHMEN (into radio)
She’s on her way up.
THE SUIT
Why didn’t you shoot her?
HENCHMEN
Don’t be daft mate.
Rich sees the suspicious man.
HE RUNS AFTER GAIL.
CUT TO:
Gail reaches the top level.
The Suit and his men are in a car, THEY FLOOR IT!
They’re going to run her over!
Rich pushes her out of the way, waits, and then for no reason JUMPS ONTO THE CAR’S BONNET!
THE SUIT
Oi! You’ll dent it you twat!
THERE IS A SHOOT-OUT!
GAIL IS HIT!
THE SUIT
We’ve got her! Run!
HENCHMEN
What about the boyfriend?!
THE SUIT
Don’t be stupid – it took like 30 of us
To kill her! We don’t stand a chance!
He’s got a gun and everything!
They jump in their car and SPEED AWAY.
RICH CHASES. He is right behind them.
THE HENCHMEN
Slam it into reverse now!
THE SUIT
I’m in charge here!
CUT TO:
INT: HOSPITAL: DAY
Rich mourns Gail’s death, nursing his injuries.
THEN, WE SEE:
A HENCHMEN IS FOLLOWING HIM!
AUDIENCE
They changed their minds then?
CUT TO:
RICH IS PISSED! He leads the henchmen from the hospital…
EXT: WAREHOUSE: DAY
The 30 strong team is back.
They follow Rich to an abandoned warehouse.
THE SUIT
Let’s get him! He can’t take
On the 30 of us!
HENCHMEN
I just hope he doesn’t harbour
A secret military past…
SHOOT-OUT! RICH KILLS THEM ALL!
He and The Suit are the last men standing.
Rich shoots him in the leg!
THE SUIT
Go on then! Kill me!
Rich is about to, when he spots an UP-TURNED PETROL CAN!
THE SUIT
Oh no! Where’d that come from!?
RICH SHOOTS THE PETROL!
THEN, IN SLOW MOTION:
BANG! RICH DIVES FROM THE ENSUING FIREBALL!
HARRISON FORD:
Wait a minute –
THE FIRE DIES. RICH LOOKS UP:
PAUL DUDBRIDGE
Bollocks! The slo-mo button is stuck!
CUT TO:
BLACK AND WHITE DREAM SEQUENCE.
The audience check their watches.
THE END.
